Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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