just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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