i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
