Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
