then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
