Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
