all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize