I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
