New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
