Apparently you make a good broom.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
