I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
the gays at disneyland are vicious
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
