U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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