Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
