just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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