bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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