Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
and you fell through a lawn chair
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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