I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
