found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
