theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
