we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize