I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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