You made me cry and you don't even care
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize