My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my being single is dangerous.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
