i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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