So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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