I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
