I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
