On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
