Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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