Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So squirting runs in the family.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
