He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
