I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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