Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
