I will die if light touches me.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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