She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
