so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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