I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
