I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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