just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
