I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I think people are normalizing furries
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
