Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
