Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
