awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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