I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
