is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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