Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
