There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
