I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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