You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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