I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
