How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
