There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
