I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
