I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
