He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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