plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
