Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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