Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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