He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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