and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
