found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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