saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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