Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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