Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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