the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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