im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
